The *Real* Childhood Milestones

Greetings from 37,000 feet, somewhere over the middle of the U.S. Yes, I’m writing this from the plane to Boston, where we’re heading to see family and friends. Henry is in the window seat, strapped into his travel car seat, watching episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Stinky and Dirty (if you’re not familiar, it’s a show about the adventures of Stinky, a plucky garbage truck, and his pal Dirty, an excavator), and neither Matt nor I has to be constantly tending to him. It feels like a milestone that I’m relieved to have reached. As my sister put it when I texted her not long after takeoff: “Welcome to the (almost) other side of little kid travel. Just gets better and better from here.”

It made me think about how so many milestones aren’t the ones you’ll find on the CDC’s website. I mean, sure, “claps when excited” and “says at least two words together” are important, but “able to sit on a cross-country flight and only interrupt when he needs snacks or a different show” feels more relevant to my current interests. I’m also eager for the “stops thinking stepping on the dog’s tail is funny” milestone, the “will eat anything mildly spicy” milestone, and the “can go on a flat mile-long hike without asking to be picked up” milestone. Do you feel me on this?!

Also, a few brief housekeeping notes. One, re: the aforementioned plane — I am on vacation until the middle of next week. There will be the regular discussion threads on Thursday and Sunday, but no Friday links or regular newsletter next Tuesday. We’ll resume regular programming next Friday.

Two: if you are a paid subscriber, you should have received an email earlier today with instructions for RSVPing for the talk with Kirstin Chen, author of Counterfeit, on July 21. If you didn’t get it, email me at nowweretalkingnewsletter@gmail.com and I’ll get you sorted. I’ll be opening up RSVPs for all subscribers closer to the date as space permits. If you want to be sure to get in on the discussion, subscribe now! It’s only $6 a month and you can cancel whenever (seriously, I will not be offended).

And lastly: I’m branching out the Day in the Life feature to a money diary-type feature called How Much It Costs that will ask you to keep track of what you spend in a week. Let’s talk about how much it really costs to raise kids! If you’re interested in baring all/learning more (we can do this one with first names only), please fill out this form. If you’re selected, you’ll get a comped subscription for a year (and if you’re already a paid subscriber, you’ll get a year added on to your subscription).

A Day in the Life chronicles one full day in the life of a mom. If you’re interested in being featured and getting a free year’s subscription, please fill out this form.

Name: Jessica Judson
Age: 36
Kids: Kai, 3.75, and Jet, 1
Lives in: Flint, Michigan with her husband, Mike
Works: project manager for a large nonprofit health care system and certified doula

6:15 a.m. My one-year-old, Jet, wakes up, and therefore I wake up. It's early for us. I try to nurse him back to sleep. He unlatches to start babbling. That's a sign we are up up.

Quick check of the monitor to see if my husband and our daughter Kai are awake. When we first brought Jet home, Mike and Kai started to sleep together in a separate room, and it has stuck.  They are not up so Jet and I quickly and quietly go downstairs. 

7:15 a.m. After Bluey and cuddles, our morning hustle begins. I quickly dress Kai and get her bag packed for school. Jet needs diapers, his swimsuit, and an extra set of clothes. Kai needs her sleep sack, an extra set of clothes, her swim stuff, and to return the school’s pants she borrowed. We also need to find some cash to donate to both of their classes’ farmers market funds. Anything else? Sigh.

7:45 a.m. Get myself a cup of cold brew with a heavy pour of cream. The one thing I will never compromise on is good coffee. We then go outside. We aren't sticklers about screen time, but we rely on it so much in winter, we try to lean away from it when it's warmer. Since I'm in no mood to read or do otherwise, I'll let the outdoors help me out.

After a bit, we go back in the house to make sure Kai is up. We've been trying to get the kids to school by 8:30 so Kai will (maybe) eat breakfast there. Our family doesn't normally eat right when we wake up, so it's hard to get them to eat at home before we go.

Kai is not only up but walking out of her room with her backpack filled with who knows what. She wants to wear her pajamas to school. She's well known for wearing pajamas to school. I truly don't care. She is either in a dress or pajamas and there's really no in between. I completely understand that about her. I do manage to get her to wash her face and brush her teeth. So long as she understands personal hygiene is important, I'm satisfied. 

8:15 a.m. They are gone. Literally the earliest in the history of our family. Mike takes them to school every day. This was by request of Jet's teacher. Jet transitions better if I am not the one to drop him off. She has given me a serious gift!! So, I'm alone! My daughter is in daycare full time, but my son only goes three days a week. It's just too expensive ($1600/month for both kids) and we can make it work for now. My husband and I juggle caring for Jet while we work from home on Tuesdays, and my mother-in-law comes on Thursdays. It's a hustle. I don't mind it for the most part, I’m not one that needs a rigid schedule, but between the schedule and the occasional COVID school closings, I sort of always feel on edge. I'm trying to get away from that feeling, but not sure if it's possible just yet.

I pour another cup of coffee. It's rare, but I'm doing it! Between motherhood, the state of the world, and having COVID a few months back, my brain at times feels...stalled. Not always, but I cannot believe how hard it is to recall an event or word sometimes. I’m also playing Wordle and texting my friends on WhatsApp. Both of my closest friends live in different countries. It’s a lot of texting and meme sharing but when you’ve got young kids, you don’t really have time for much else anyways, right? I check my work email and make sure I have things done and ready for an afternoon full of meetings. I do see that the COVID vaccine for our kids is on the way, and my work will have them available to us. We. Are. Ready.

9:00 a.m. My house is literally trashed. Between the renovations happening and a weekend with the kids, it's unreal. My husband helps with laundry and dishes, and he does all the cooking, so this is my work to do. For the most part I do enjoy the instant gratification that cleaning provides. I'm going to give my house a little love before I sit down to work. I’m not going to get a ton done, but even doing a little will give some peace of mind.

9:30 a.m. I'm a project manager for a large nonprofit health care system, specifically the community health and equity department. I joined the team last year and have only been in the office a handful of times. I can sort of feel that in my work, so my workload feels disjointed at times. I do, however, get to work on a lot of new things that will likely also serve me long term, so I do find it satisfying most days. When the pandemic hit, I got pregnant shortly after and was working my ass off for a small consulting group at that time. It was stressful. Since then, I just don't have the same drive for work. Glad for the slower pace.

The silver lining of the pandemic for us was feeling more cohesion as a family. My marriage is better now than it was just before that initial lockdown, and pause in life pace allowed me to become a better version of myself too. We have managed to keep things slower and want to maintain that for as long as possible. 

10:30 a.m. I break to shower and finally wash my face! I truthfully don't have any shower products I absolutely love, but I do stick with a few brands for face skin care.

Usually, I would just splash super cold water on my face in the morning before adding my products.

Face Wash: Glossier clarifying face wash or Biossance squalane and elderberry jelly cleanser

Eye: Pipette Look Awake eye gel (I mainly got this because it’s a roller)

Serums: Glossier Super Pure & Super Bounce

Serum/Oil: Versed Sunday Morning antioxidant oil-serum

Then I use my jade roller and let it all chill for a minute.

SPF: Supergoop City Serum SPF 30. I live in & work in cities so I feel like why not add the extra support. Does it work? Who knows.

12-4 p.m. My first meeting was cancelled! But my coworker needs me to rework some data for a deadline she’s on and so I am glad to have some extra time to carefully do that for her.  

It is hard some days to feel motivated to sit in these meetings but I feel some comfort in that the work is supporting the quest for better health outcomes for those who need them. Even still, I’m only this grateful because I’m doing it from home. A two-hour commute every day along with my family and personal needs just wouldn’t work for me anymore.

4 p.m. Grab snacks and get ready to get the kids from school. We love their school. It's connected to the local university. They closed in March of 2020 and just reopened this past September. It was ROUGH, but worth the wait! We also didn't really have any other option. Our kids love it and it's nice to feel the sense of community there. Most of the staff live nearby and the kids love running into them when out and about.

These past few weeks with Kai transitioning to preschool, the weekday evenings are scary. Her meltdowns are massive, and she wants her mom, but so does her younger brother who hasn’t nursed all day. We know that this will pass but it doesn’t make those moments a ton easier. Deep breaths and ice-cold rosé have been my saving grace. We’ve also relied heavily on favorite foods and the trampoline.

5:30 p.m. I get Kai some quality time by sending her on an errand across the street. We bought our home privately from a woman because of a connection from our now neighbors, Bob and Ingrid. They are a couple in their 70’s who have been married just a few years more than my husband and me. They are childless, and so over the years have become our chosen family. Our kids call them GG and GG Bob, truly seeing them as their great-grandparents, and they are really important to our family. We know the people in our community and it's just something I don’t think we could easily find if we did move. With our kids being both Black and Asian, it is hard to think this is a country that they will be celebrated in and be able to truly thrive. It is also hard to think what life would be like not surrounded by so many people that love them. It’s truly a mind game that we play with ourselves multiple times a week.

6:30 p.m. My husband was out of the area for work today, so dinner is simple and quick. In the warmer months, which we don’t get many of, we spend them outside as much as possible. So, we don’t really do formal dinners during the week, and we do more hearty snacking.

7:30 p.m. Wind down begins. Everyone is upstairs, getting into pajamas and doing all the things necessary for bed. We do things as a unit for the most part. The movie Luca is a huge hit with our son right now, so we all watch that for a bit before I take him to bed.

8:00 p.m. Jet and I head to bed. I nurse him and he falls asleep rather quickly. For some, they put kids down and go hang out. We don’t usually operate that way. This is now my down time. I love to sit in the dark and listen to or read a book, catch up with friends, mess around on my phone. Some nights my husband will put Jet to bed so the “girls can hang out” as Kai likes to say, but the general flow of bedtime is still the same. Kai does like to read a million books before bed, and we will never say no or limit the number of books we read. Books will never have a boundary.

I typically try to be asleep by 10 p.m. It can be hard and the time flexes between 9 p.m. and 11 p.m., but I work hard to get the rest I need. For now, this is what life is like for us, and I’m working to enjoy all that it is.